StormCrafter's Journal

Ugh

2006-06-23T03:49:37Z

Well, one more day of work with my horrible supervisor. She actually made me cry today - not with sadness, but out of sheer frustration and utter outrage. To make a long story short, she refused to allow me to do something to accommodate a recent, painful injury. The accommodation wouldn't have any effect on my work whatsoever. Worse still, the accommodation is something that her "pets" (AKA, my coworkers that she likes) already do regularly. And she did it in such a snide way. "In four years of working here I've never had a staff member do that." Oh really?

Oh, what the hell. Here it is. I have a back injury. It's quite painful - and I got it at work, by the way. In spite of the pain, I have still come to work every single day since it happened. Today I decided that while watching the children ride their bikes in the parking lot, I'd sit down in a folding lounge chair that I'd bought. This was not "okay" with W. "I know you have back pain but I need you to not be in that chair because if there were an emergency you wouldn't be able to get up fast enough. In four years of working here I've never had a staff member do that." (Notice how she talks to me as if I were one of the children.) So instead, I had to stand. I can't sit on the ground; it's too painful.

Yeah. My sitting in a chair wasn't "okay," but it was perfectly "okay" for her "pets" to sit three in a row on beach towels, sunning themselves while watching these same children, earlier in the week. Give me a break.

So I stood, outside, in the blazing heat and in terrible pain. For three hours. At one point I was outside alone with 20 children (against the rules, it's supposed to be one staff to 13 kids) while W. sat inside at one of the tables with four other staff members and about ten kids (against the rules, staff are not supposed to "clump" together). When one of the kids wanted to ride bikes again, I told her we couldn't because there weren't enough staff. I said, "Why don't you go inside and ask W. why I'm out here alone and all the other teachers are in there with her?" She did but it was still quite some time before anyone else came out.

In mid-afternoon, W. packed up her laptop and crap and took off with one of her pets. Turns out this pet was scheduled to be working at that time, so we were left with three staff (another violation - we are supposed to have four at all times). But it was okay, as I later learned. The pet would be back in just a couple of hours. Where had they gone? To get manicures and pedicures. I am not kidding. My coworkers and I were incredulous.

While W. was gone, I had a conversation with her 10-year-old son. I jokingly said, "So your mom just left you here? You'll have to sleep here tonight!"

He said, "I wish she would. Being homeless would be more fun than being with her."

In spite of my feelings about her, I was a bit shocked. After all, her life seems dedicated to kids. "Why do you say that?" I asked.

"She never spends any time with me. She's always either working, going out, or on the phone."

"Have you talked to her about this?"

"All the time, but she always just says she'll work on it, and she never does."

I talked to coworker about this, one who knows the boy far better than I do. She says it has been an ongoing problem all year and that W. just doesn't "get it."

Understand that this person claims to care very much about "youth" and her child. I'll even quote her blog. I won't post a link to it - yet.

I have a son who is my world.

My son was sent home from his aftercare program (which I run) on Monday for being rude. He had to also take a day off yesterday. I sent him to his room when we got home (with a snack of course) and asked him to write. Write why you were rude, what you don’t like about aftercare and who if there is a “who”. His one question, “can I use swears when I am writing?” To which I thought well it is his expression, so I said yes. (Taking into consideration his swears were frigin and stupid.) Hee hee

When I received his one page (which is good for a 9 year old) response I noticed he was being bullied! Now this has been a problem all year and I have worked with my staff continuously on this but they just don’t get it! (another whole tangent in itself) And now my son is taking the brunt of it!

Note the jab at the staff of her own program. Incidentally, she doesn't "run" the program. She's assistant to the director, who is a person I like and respect quite a lot but who, unfortunately, consistently supports W. And also, her child is no angel. He's very rude, and I have seen him do plenty of bullying himself.

I don't think I can stand one more minute of being micromanaged by this person. I almost hope she pulls something on me tomorrow so I can quit in front of the entire staff and all of the children. My only regret is that I didn't tell her where to go today. The only reason I didn't was that I was so stunned by the stupidity of what she was asking me to do.

Only three people on the staff of about 20 are returning for the next school year. You would think they might start asking themselves why they have such a high turnover.

Been a while.

2006-05-24T03:39:43Z

It's been a while since I posted, but not much has changed. Still looking for a job. The bankruptcy went through all right, although now the student loan people are after me. They don't seem to understand that no number of harassing phone calls from collection agencies is going to increase my income.

Otherwise, things are pretty normal. The parents went on their trip; that was a pleasant break for me. I was not happy when they came back. I've got to get out of here. But I have a plan. Nothing I feel like writing about at the moment, but a plan is in the works.

stormcrafter @ 2006-02-16T01:34:00

2006-02-16T06:34:56Z

Urban Legends Reference Pages: College (Pitched Battle):

According to the university rules, if a professor hadn't arrived to a class by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered canceled for the day and the students were free to leave — with no penalties for missing a class.

Mounted over the chalkboard of each classroom was a type of wall clock that jumped ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. These clocks were also not constructed in the most sophisticated manner. An enterprising student learned (it's always good to learn things at college) that if you hit the clock with a chalkboard eraser, the clock would jump ahead 1 minute.

So, in a class where the professor wasn't precisely punctual and his students considered him absent-minded, almost daily these students took target practice at the room's clock. A few well aimed erasers, and 15 minutes quickly passed on the clock, and the class dismissed itself.

When the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room on time, passed out the exams, and told class, "You have one hour to complete this test."

The professor collected the erasers from around the room, and gleefully began taking aim at the clock. Within 10 minutes he had successfully jumped the clock forward one hour. "Time's up!

-Snopes.com

Test.

2006-02-07T06:23:44Z

This is a test of a new FireFox extension that will hopefully let me post directly from any page.

Holy mother of God.

2006-02-06T08:40:53Z

So I'm on the Crosswalk.com forums, just sort of lurking, and I come across this 6-page thread about a mother panicking because her daughter is into Wicca. I HAD to respond. This is what I wrote:

Okay. I was just going to lurk here for a while, but after reading this thread I feel I must make some remarks.

My heart ACHES for the OP's daughter. Here is a young woman who has been courageous enough to break away and seek her own personal spiritual journey, and the response is a group of adults who are doing everything in their power to stop her. Cases like this make me physically ill. The very idea that anyone, inlcuding the girl's parents, have the right to control or manipulate another person's spiritual life is abhorrent. I know you all mean well, but that is exactly what you are trying to do here: manipulate.

The fact that this person is legally a minor is irrelevant. A 16-year-old is, for all intents and purposes, an adult.

This girl needs to be left alone. Just. Stop. Give her some space and time to work out her own beliefs. The teen years are difficult enough without having people breathe down your neck about the "right" path. I am NOT saying she should be permitted to get half a dozen more piercings or have her boyfriend sleep over. There have to be rules, of course. But you CAN NOT have rulership over another person's spiritual life. You can baptise your baby and force them to go to church until they're 18, but none of that is going to do one bit of good for them on a spiritual level.

I feel compelled to comment on the pentacle necklace. It is NOT evil. It is not even a SYMBOL of evil. It is unimaginable to me that anyone could think it appropriate - without the owner's permission - to "pray over" such an object in an effort to change something in the life of the wearer. (In Wicca, by the way, that kind of action is prohibited. Wiccans have a word for it - "black magick.")

OP: It is normal and natural for someone this age to pull away from her parents, especially when said parents are heavily religious. In fact, though it may not seem like it, it is desirable. Your daughter is becoming a woman, with her own thoughts and ideas and opinions. It is time for you to let go. The responsibility for her spirituality is now hers and hers alone, and there is nothing you can do to change that. Perhaps her beliefs will align with yours; perhaps they won't. If you have raised her in a positive and loving environment - and you don't condemn her if she chooses a different path - I promise you will have a loving relationship with her for the rest of your life.

The fact is, when she DOES become a legal adult, you're not going to be able to control her at all. That's only two years away. So you have a couple of options. If you try to rein her in and pull her away from her own choices - regardless of whether YOU think they're "right" - you WILL create a rift that might be permanent. Believe me, I know. So then you will be alienated from your daughter AND she will have joined a religion you don't believe in.

Or, you can provide neutral support for your daughter's exploration of other religions and hope/pray she does what you want her to do. Consider it part of her education, if it makes you more comfortable. After all, learning ABOUT a religion is not the same as joining it! Knowledge is sacred, not dangerous. And that way, at least if she makes what you consider to be the "wrong" choice, you will at least still have a reasonably good relationship with her.

I'm sorry to have to say this, but this is just the kind of thing that turns people away from Christianity. No - not "Satan" or "modern society" or "peer pressure," but manipulation and underhanded tactics (like praying over their jewelry - good grief, I can't get over how awful that is!) You cannot force someone into true spirituality. It is, perhaps, the one thing you simply cannot coerce someone into doing. The more you push this girl, the more she will turn away from you.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with this post, but the very idea that anyone would attempt to change or control the spiritual life of another against their will is against everything I believe in. The arrogance of such an idea! Like I said - I know you all mean well, but really - just who do you think you are?

Slacking off

2006-02-06T03:22:26Z

I've been slacking off. I should get back to writing every day.

"Up yours, children!"
- Principal Skinner, The Simpsons

"It's nice to see a couple of fresh faces."
"Oh, we're very fresh. Squeeze my head - it's soft."
Third Rock From the Sun

Looking for a Man

2006-02-02T08:29:48Z

Looking for a man? Check out these winners!

A Joke

2006-01-23T07:37:45Z

Again, copied & pasted.
---

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

Seems like all my public entries lately...

2006-01-23T07:19:58Z

... are quote stolen from the IMDb message boards. Even though it's a movie site, on the Soapbox board people talk (argue) about everything. Here's something that just got posted on a joke thread.

---

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men....

Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

I am unoriginal

2006-01-21T01:53:26Z

Found this in a message board. Author unknown.

"If you leave a bible out in the wind and rain the paper will fade and the words will be gone.
Our bible is the wind and rain."

Life in Our Anti-Christian America

2006-01-20T08:25:48Z

Life in Our Anti-Christian America

Robby Berry

Prologue

During a recent exchange of flames and frivolity on a local Usenet group. osu.opinion, a newsgroup available only to students of Ohio State University, somebody made the observation that America was an "anti-Christian" society. As an atheist, I am well-aware of the extent to which religion, especially Christianity, permeates our society. As a result, I found this claim difficult to believe. As I was in a playful mood at the time, I decided to debunk his claim in a somewhat roundabout manner.

The response to the article was fairly good, and one person asked me to repost it to alt.atheism, which I did. Response there was even better, and one person even sent me some additional items to add to the list. I then decided to make this a "collaborative rant" by taking suggestions for items to add to the list. Eventually, I had to turn the list over to somebody else, due to the lack of spare time brought about by the birth of my son Jonathan. The list was maintained by Jeffery Jay Lowder for a while, but he too is now suffering from a lack of spare time. New items for the list are no longer being accepted.

I'm certainly glad this has finally been brought out into the open. The anti-Christian bias in our society has reached absurd proportions. Consider:

During the 1988 election campaign, George Bush said that Christians should not be considered patriots or real American citizens.
Bill Clinton steadfastly refuses to give any speeches at local churches.
Both major political parties are dominated by anti-Christians. The Republican party, for example, gave us such hardcore atheists as Pat Buchanan, Dan Quayle, Phyllis Schlafly and Ronald Reagan. And the Democrats have given us such personalities as the Rev. Martin Luther King and the Rev. Jesse Jackson both noted for their vicious attacks on all forms of Christianity.
Let's talk about the media. On Sunday mornings, nearly all major television channels broadcast pro-atheist shows; it is nearly impossible to find religious programming during that time period. Further, Madalyn Murray O'Hair has her own cable TV channel, while Pat Robertson has been unable to obtain one for himself.
Most major newspapers run a special weekly section devoted to Atheism. There are no equivalent sections for religious news.
Anti-Christian shows such as the American Atheist Forum are broadcast by major national networks. Meanwhile, Billy Graham is only able to get on the air through public access TV, which is watched by few people.
On news programs and "reality" TV shows such as Rescue 911, nobody is ever shown giving thanks to God after surviving a disaster.
It is almost impossible to find a shopping mall with a Christian Armory book store, while Atheist Book Centers are featured prominently on every corner.
While atheist couples who marry rarely have any difficulty finding a place to do so, it is nearly impossible for Christian couples to find a church where they can marry.
For that matter, churches themselves are extremely rare, while atheist meeting centers can be found every few blocks.
Recently, several atheists have shot and killed Christian priests as they were going to work in their churches. Similarly, atheists are well-known for blockading churches on Sunday mornings.
Nearly all of our elected public officials are atheists; they even have to swear on a copy of Darwin's "Origin of Species" in order to take office.
In a similar vein, jurors must take an oath upon a copy of the Skeptical Inquirer before they can serve. There have even been court cases thrown out because one of the jury members was a Christian who insisted on swearing on a Bible.
And of course, people are free to wear pentagram jewelry, but those trying to wear cross-shaped earrings or pendants to work will be politely told to remove the jewelry or lose their job.
Speaking of the workplace, Christians often find it nearly impossible to get time off work for religious holidays such as Christmas.
Even our language reflects the radical anti-Christian bias that pervades our society. For example, when somebody sneezes, most people say "Darwin bless you." Similarly, "Voltaire dammit!" is a common cussword.
All of our money has the atheistic slogan "We do not trust in God" printed on it. (Contributed by Mike Hurben, <hurben@lamar.colostate.edu>.)
In school, our children are made to recite the pledge, "One nation, anti-God, indivisible...." (Contributed by Mike Hurben.)
One cannot rent a hotel room without finding a copy of Nietzsche's The Anti-Christ in the room. (Contributed by Mike Hurben.)
Organizations such as the Boy Scouts deny membership to Christians. (Contributed by Mike Hurben.)
In the military, it is nearly impossible to obtain Conscientious Objector status for religious reasons, even though those with philosophical reasons can obtain C.O. status relatively easily. (Contributed anonymously.)
Christian churches are forced to pay exorbitant taxes. (Contributed by Rick Gillespie, <rwg@abbyroad.fc.hp.com>.)
You can't drive anywhere without seeing a Darwin fish or a "Jesus Was A Fraud" bumper sticker stuck to a car. (Contributed by Rick Gillespie.)
Georgia recently passed a new law requiring schools to have a "moment of noise" during which children are encouraged to degrade Christianity. (Contributed by Rick Gillespie.)
College campuses usually have dozens of atheist organizations, but few if any for Christians. (Contributed by Mark Anstrom, <maanstro@iastate.edu>.)
There are several well-known atheist campus preachers who lecture on college campuses on the virtues of Atheism. (Contributed by Mark Anstrom.)
Also common on college campuses are groups of students handing out copies of Bertrand Russell's "Why I Am Not A Christian"; some even force people who don't want these books to take them. (Contributed by Mark Anstrom.)
Campus newspapers often print editorials extolling the virtues of Atheism. (Contributed by Mark Anstrom.)
People look at you funny and wonder if there's something wrong upstairs if you admit to being a Christian in public. (Contributed by Mark Anstrom.)
Many Christians are afraid to admit their Christianity to their parents and friends, for fear their kin will consider them immoral Christian scum and want nothing to do with them. (Contributed by Mark Anstrom.)
At presidential inauguration ceremonies, Madalyn Murray-O'Hair (that well-known friend of several presidents) gives a short pro-Atheism speech. (Contributed by Matt Barry, <mbarry@u.washington.edu>.)
For decades, high school and college commencement ceremonies have included brief speeches at the beginning and end of the ceremony in which Atheism is praised and Christians deemed irrational. Christians who object to the practice, or who ask for an opening prayer instead, are regarded as cranks at best and subversives at worst. (Contributed by Matt Barry.)
Not only do commencement ceremonies feature pro-atheist speeches, there's usually an entire two-hour ceremony the day before graduation dedicated to upholding the atheist foundation of our educational system. (Contributed by Jed Hartman, <logos@cathay.esd.sgi.com>.)
"There are no Christians in foxholes" is a popular slogan in our society.
Most hospitals are full of atheist symbols, and many prominently feature statues of Nietszche, Darwin, and so forth. (Contributed by Bill Pursell, <pursell@mathfs.math.montana.edu>).
Communities set up atheist brainwashing facilities, and apply social pressure to citizens to report to these facilities every Sunday morning. Furthermore, attendees are expected to contribute money to support these facilities, and to build others through "outreach" programs. (Contributed by "me," <silly@blend.ugcs.caltech.edu>.)
Most parents in America indoctrinate their children at an early age to be atheists by forcing them to attend these brainwashing sessions, whether they want to or not. (Contributed by "me.")
While atheists hold huge rallies in 25,000-seat amphitheaters, Christians are so few in number that they can only dream of holding such rallies. (Contributed by Payton Chung, <pchung@unity.ncsu.edu>.)
At baseball games, you can often spot people carrying signs that read "Origin Of Species, page 34."
Hospital waiting rooms usually come equipped with children's copies of Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History Of Time," complete with order forms so that parents can send off for their own copy. (Contributed by Payton Chung.)
Atheist magazines such as "Atheism Today," "Today's Atheist Woman," "Atheist Homeschooler," "The Atheist Century," "Atheist Ministry," "The Atheist Archeological Review," "Atheist Parenting Today" and "The Atheist Science Monitor" are featured prominently in newsstands across the country. (Contributed by Payton Chung. Additional magazine names contributed by Dave Chapman, <chapman@ims.com>.)
The Fellowship of Atheist Athletes has local chapters on college campuses throughout America. (Contributed by Payton Chung.)
According to recent Gallup polls, approximately 86% of Americans do not believe in God. (Contributed by Payton Chung.)
Politicians often refer to America's "Agnosto-Atheist heritage" when trying to woo voters. (Contributed by Payton Chung.)
Atheists are beginning to subvert the American political process. For example, the American Atheists recently published over thirty million voter's guides for distribution at atheist meeting-houses. These guides gave specific instructions not to vote for those who oppose atheist values. (Contributed by Payton Chung.)
It's easy to buy checks with quotes from Thomas Paine, but almost impossible to buy checks with Bible verses on them. (Contributed by Payton Chung.)
Businesses often refuse to admit that they are Christian-owned and operated, for fear of being boycotted by their atheist customers. Meanwhile, atheist-owned businesses often feature Darwin-fish logos in their ads. (Contributed by Payton Chung.)
There are large networks of atheistic private schools in America, while it's nearly impossible to find a private Catholic school. (Contributed by Payton Chung.)
It's difficult to find people with good Christian names like John or Paul or Christopher. (Contributed by Payton Chung.)
Most gravestones in America are engraved with pentagrams; those few graves which are engraved with crosses usually end up being vandalized. (Contributed by Payton Chung.)
Atheists have often invented "deathbed deconversion" stories about famous Christians, claiming they became atheists just before they died.
Around the time of Darwin's birthday, Christians have to put up with songs about Darwin, which are played in shopping malls, restaurants, and even public restrooms. (Contributed by Dave Chapman, <chapman@ims.com>.)
We number our calendar years according to the number of years that have passed since Darwin's birthday. (Hence the term "A.D" "After Darwin.") (Contributed by Jeff Lowder, <jlowder@infidels.org>.)
Christian gatherings and funerals are often disrupted by atheists shouting slurs and holding signs that read, "Nature hates Christians." (Contributed by David Gellman, <dgellman@coho.halcyon.com>.)
Books which promote Christianity are often removed from library shelves in response to atheist pressure groups. (Contributed by David Gellman.)
A popular bumper sticker reads, "No Jesus, Know Peace. Know Jesus, No Peace." (Contributed by Stephanie Anderson, <ska@gas.uug.arizona.edu>.)
Insurance companies refer to natural disasters as "Acts of Darwin." (Contributed by Yellgnats P. Fiddlestein, <dentar@infinet.net>.)
Forms for job applications, government aid and so forth often ask what type of atheist you are, with checkboxes for "Atheist," "Agnostic," "Humanist" and so forth. If you are a Christian, the only thing you can do is check the "other" box if one is provided. (Contributed by Yellgnats P. Fiddlestein.)
Sports teams often read from the Humanist Manifesto prior to the game, in the hopes that doing so will increase their chances of winning. (Contributed by Yellgnats P. Fiddlestein.)
Atheists constantly threaten television and movies producers with boycotts whenever they portray Christianity in a positive light. (Contributed by Yellgnats P. Fiddlestein.)
Atheists often hold bonfires at atheist meeting centers, where Christian literature can be thrown into the fire. (Contributed by Yellgnats P. Fiddlestein.)
Gambling is freely legalized for secular purposes, yet churches have to have their bingo halls in Las Vegas, Atlantic City or on Indian reservations. (Contributed by Clive Feckus, <yfcprod@localnet.com>.)
Baseball games and the like have "The Star-Spangled Banner" sung by hard-rock groups bellowing out lyrics such as, "Foolish god-crazed slaves (whip crack), At the altar of Rock and Roll you'll kneel!" and the singers will encourage any Christians in the stands to get eaten by lions held ready on the playing field. (Contributed by Tatiana Covington, <tatiana@gas.uug.arizona.edu>.)
New military officers are expected to say "God does not exist" at the end of their commissioning oath. (Contributed by Jeff Lowder.)
It easy to support atheistic charities like, "Atheist Children's Fund," "Agnostics Against AIDS," etc., but virtually impossible to support important causes through Christian organizations. (Contributed by Jeff Lowder.)
Well-known atheists like Michael Martin and Quentin Smith have set up ministries to witness to Christians, but it is virtually impossible to find Christians who specialize in debating atheists. (Contributed by Jeff Lowder.)
Congress starts each session with selected excerpts from Michael Martin's Atheism: A Philosophical Justification. Each house of Congress also has its own "Atheist Chaplain." No Christian prayers are ever made in Congress and no Christian chaplains are available. (Contributed by Jeff Lowder.)
The word "Christian" is recognized as a term which represents the worst of human attributes: cynicism, pessimism, selfishness, and moral turpitude. The word "atheist," on the other hand, is used to signify all that is virtuous, as in, "That's mighty atheist of you!" (Contributed by Chad Docterman, <docterm1@marshall.edu>.)
On sitcoms and movies of the week, the parents make references to how their lack of faith in God helps them get through life's troubles. Meanwhile, Christians are portrayed as pathetic folks who end up converting to Atheism. (Contributed by Tara Powers, <tap@cs.umb.edu>.)
Many American cities are named after noted atheist figures; for example, there is Corpus Darwini, Texas, and San Voltaire, California. (Contributed by Scott Bigham, <dsb@cs.duke.edu>.)
Historically, most private colleges and universities in the US were founded by atheists; while some have become religious over the years, many of them retain close ties with atheist organizations, and some of them still use hiring practices that exclude Christians from their faculty and staff. (And this discrimination against Christians is permitted and protected by law!) (Contributed by Scott Forschler, <forschler@butler.edu>.)
Atheists who convert to Christianity are often told by their parents "It's just a rebellious phase. Once you move through this stage of life you'll realize that you never really believed in God." Similarly, people who are raised as Christians are condescended to, and told that if they would give Atheism a chance, it would fill the empty hole that Christianity must be leaving in their lives. (Contributed by Carla Schack, <cschack@emerald.tufts.edu>.)
When celebrities or musicians accept awards during one of the many awards programs, they often end their list of "thank-you's" with a humble acknowledgment to Darwin for their "evolution-given talents." (Contributed by John Caballero, <ediblened@mail.utexas.edu>.)
During the 1996 election campaign, Pat Buchanan declared that creationism should not be taught in public schools. "We need a president who will commit himself to restoring Secular Humanist values and driving out the false god of the Christians," he said. (Contributed by Jeff Lowder.)
Atheists regularly go door-to-door on Sunday mornings asking people not to go to church with them. (Contributed by CJP.)
Atheist cults are masters at luring lonely, young, disenfranchised people into their rational cults to brainwash them with reason so that they will give their lives and all worldly possessions to the atheist leaders. (Contributed by CJP.)
Jehovah's witnesses, mormons, and other Christian groups are banned (by atheist-initiated zoning laws) from passing out literature from door to door. (Contributed by CJP.)
People who don't decorate their homes with images of the Sun during the Winter Solstice season, are assumed to be irrational Christians in need of rational therapy and conversion. (Contributed by CJP.)
Even atheist businesses hate the Winter Solstice season because people are encouraged to be rational and reasonable, thus encouraging our population to avoid senseless spending and debt and needless possession of material goods. (Contributed by CJP.)
In general, Christians are considered to be less-than-honest. If you are a Christian, you must have no reason or rational judgment; therefore, you cannot be trusted to tell the truth. (Contributed by CJP.)
Prisoners have become wise to the fact that they may receive early paroles if they claim to have found Atheism and been saved by Darwin. Such a conversion to rationality is thought to be a favorable sign of the rejection of a life of crime. (Contributed by CJP.)
Humanist hate group members shave their heads and run around painting red H's on the doors of churches to intimidate Christians. (Contributed by CJP.)
The Humanist Left and the Immoral Majority influence voting patterns in the Humanist Manifesto Belt states. (Contributed by CJP.)
The government declared an official holiday in November to give thanks to fellow humans for the hard work and labor of our agricultural workers who provide the plentiful food resources we have in the U.S. (Contributed by CJP.)
Atheist leaders of many sects bring in millions of dollars each week from TV and telephone solicitation and weekly meeting collections, enough to support at least one atheist meeting hall in nearly every community in the country, while Christian groups barely have enough money to support a half-dozen national groups. (Contributed by CJP.)
Most people assume everyone else is an atheist and are unbelievers as they are. It makes for uncomfortable social situations for Christians and other religious types. (Contributed by CJP.)
When one looks up "religion" or "Christianity" in books of collected quotations, 99% of the quotes chosen for publication are negative while atheist or agnostic topics are filled with positive quotations. (Contributed by CJP.)
Bookstores have entire sections filled with atheist literature while "spiritual" and "religious" books are almost impossible to find, except through specialized distributors. (Contributed by CJP.)
Despite the overwhelming number of atheists in the general population and in powerful legislative positions, when they don't get their own way, atheists whine that this is an anti-atheistic country. (Contributed by CJP.)
Atheists constantly cite, out of context, books of philosophy by noted atheists to prove that Christians live irrational lives. (Contributed by CJP.)
Atheists do everything possible to get laws passed that will prevent irrational Christians from making their own choices in matters of sex, procreation, life-styles, family units, etc. (Contributed by CJP.)
Until recently, atheists had passed laws (known as Green Laws) that require all businesses to stay open on Sundays, preventing Christians who wished to practice their religious beliefs to work, just like everyone else. (Contributed by CJP.)
Sci-fi movies almost always make rational scientific types into "good guys" while emotional, irrational people become the "heavies." (Contributed by CJP.)
Movies that featured myths of silly miracles (like the parting of the Red Sea or the Resurrection of Jesus or other Biblical tales) never made any money. Most big movie studios rejected all proposals to make such ridiculous stories into films. However, "The Humanist Manifesto," 1956, was one of Cecil B. DeMille's blockbusters. (Contributed by CJP.)
In small towns and communities all over the U.S., atheist horns awake Christians at midnight on Saturdays preventing them from getting a good night's sleep before their Sabbath. Fortunately for much of the population, few church bells wake atheists who want to sleep in on Sundays. (Contributed by CJP.)
At every banquet, no matter the occasion, an atheist propagandist gets up and thanks Madalyn Murray O'Hair for her wisdom and insight in educating us rational beings so that we can provide the food that we are about to eat. The presence of nonatheists is not even acknowledged. No consideration is given to those who might find such a practice offensive. (Contributed by CJP.)
Schools across the country force students to sing songs such as "Jesus Is Not the Son of God" during the Winter Solstice season. They rationalize this infringement on minority rights of religious freedom by claiming the songs are part of our collective culture. (Contributed by CJP.)
During the Solstice season, Atheist Army members in uniforms block entrances to stores ringing annoying bells and requesting donations to save nonatheists from their pathetic irrational lives. (Contributed by CJP.)
Atheist Army (and other Freethought) soup kitchens force homeless Christians to listen to atheist propaganda before serving them a meal. (Contributed by CJP.)
Hundreds of self-help groups replace codependence with the 12 Steps of A.B.A. (Atheist Brainwashing Anonymous), convincing people they don't have the power to help themselves but must rely on the power of Darwin to overcome addiction. (Contributed by CJP.)
U.S. atheist organizations send missionaries to underdeveloped countries to convince people to renounce long-held local religious beliefs and become atheists. (Contributed by CJP.)
On Solstice Eve, there is nothing to watch on TV except atheist rituals from Stonehenge. (Contributed by CJP.)
During the Solstice Season, nearly every network airs reruns (ad nauseam) of "It's A Rational Life," "Reason on 34th Street," "A Solstice Story," "The Stupidest Story Ever Told," and other atheist favorites. Christian programming cannot be found. (Contributed by CJP.)
Christian employees have to use personal days or sick leave to stay at home to celebrate their holidays while everyone gets the day off for Winter Solstice and the birthdays of Charles Darwin and Madalyn Murray O'Hair. All major atheist celebrations have been declared National Holidays with all government offices remaining closed on those days. (Contributed by CJP.)
All Rational People's Day, the 1st of November, is a holiday at atheist private schools. It's a day to celebrate Voltaire, Edison, Russell, Asimov, O'Hair, and other atheist leaders and philosophers for their rational and logical thoughts. (Contributed by CJP.)
Ronald Reagan denounced the Vatican as the "Heavenly Empire" because of its official status as a theocracy. (Contributed by CJP.)
When someone is pathetic enough to admit to being a Christian, friends respond by saying things like, "No you're not. You just think you are." (Contributed by CJP.)
Images of Lazarus Long, a fictional character in Robert Heinlein books, are frequently pretended to be seen by atheists in paint stains, in the spots of cows, in tree bark, etc., causing large groups of people to make pilgrimages to those locations to confirm their lack of belief in the supernatural. These stories are given national news coverage to promote the status quo. (Contributed by CJP.)
Christians are unfairly scrutinized for wearing t-shirts that say things such as "God's Gym" or "Resurrection Day," whereas atheists can proudly and without any protest wear their "Reasons Beer is Better than Jesus" or Darwin fish t-shirts. (Contributed by Patty Lathan <pal4885@tamaix.tamu.edu>.)
Christians are constantly questioned as to where their morals come from. People always wonder why they have a reason to live, if god is the only thing they live for. Atheists, on the other hand, are praised for their high moral standards, and it is acknowledged that they don't need a reason to live just "being" is enough. (Contributed by Patty Lathan.)
Professors are encouraged to tell the class that they are atheists during the first class period of the semester, since this conveys to the students that they sincerely care about their progress in the class, and about the student as a person. Christian professors would get ostracized for doing this; students would complain and the professor would be told to keep his beliefs to himself. (Contributed by Patty Lathan.)
Atheists often try to scare Christians into disbelief by yelling that after they die they will be sent to the earth's fiery core and tormented by Nietzsche for eternity. (Contributed by Captain Tripps <rexerm@umich.edu>.)
Each year, the U.S. Post Office is nearly brought to its knees as both devout and "cultural" atheists celebrate Lucretius' birth by sending each other antireligious cards and illuminated copies of De Rerum Natura. (Contributed by <bpgriffin@aol.com>.)
Atheists from Salt Lake City collect lists of dead people, so that they can be baptized posthumously as atheists. (Contributed by Steven Carr <carrs@dial.pipex.com>.)
Atheists take sick people to doctors so that they can be 'cured,' instead of sitting them in front of TV healing shows. Many of these so-called 'doctors' have no ministerial qualifications!. (Contributed by Steven Carr.)
Atheists have a superstitious dread of the number 13, because Darwin once invited 12 of his friends to supper. In fact, atheists have such a strong superstition about certain numbers that road signs and house numbers and company logos have to be changed to avoid upsetting them. (Contributed by Steven Carr.)
NBC has shows that promote reason and skepticism in the face of Biblical prophecy or lone pseudoscientists while shows that promote irrational beliefs are on PBS and never reach as many people. (Contributed by The Mighty Timm <mutjl2@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu>.)
Noted atheists own "The Family Channel" and show programming that they find appropriate for other atheists. (Contributed by The Mighty Timm.)
The shows "Ignored by an Angel" and "Ultimately Illusory Highway to Heaven" are getting more and more viewers every week. (Contributed by The Mighty Timm.)
Each year, the President lights the National Solstice Tree. (Contributed by Brian Helfrich <brianh2@chelsea.ios.com>.)
There is an entire genre of music known as "Contemporary Atheist Music." The notion of "Christian music" is unheard of. (Contributed by Jeff Lowder.)
Most radio markets have at least one atheist radio station. There are no Christian radio stations anywhere. (Contributed by Jeff Lowder.)
Judges justify abortion based on evolutionary theory and Nietzche, instead of the Bible. (Contributed by Arturo Magidin <magidin@math.berkeley.edu>.)
Judges often give long speeches on atheistic morality and use them as a basis for strange or lenient sentences. (Contributed by Arturo Magidin.)
All prisons have a resident atheist philosopher, and inmates are encouraged to participate in weekly philosophical discussions on Bible Contradictions. This is often reported to parole board, who consider it a good indication of contriteness on the prisoner's part. (Contributed by Arturo Magidin.)
Atheists tend to call homosexuals, lesbians, and bisexuals criminals against nature while Christians accept them the way God made them. Moreover, while a few "liberal" atheist organizations do not make heterosexuality a requirement for membership, most atheist organizations strictly condemn such behavior and have used their massive political influence to criminalize same-sex marriages. (Contributed by the Mighty Timm and Jeff Lowder.)
School children who profess their Christianity are routinely held up to ridicule and harassment by the students and teachers who make up the atheist majority in both public and private schools. (Contributed by George A Ricker <gricker@iu.net>.)
Relatively inoffensive movies, which might otherwise be rated G or PG, are likely to be rated PG-13 or R if they contain excessive religious content. (Contributed by Susan Mitchell <susanm@indirect.com>.)
According to comedian George Carlin, the "seven holy words" that cannot be broadcast on television are "God," "Jesus," "Christ," "bless," "heaven," "salvation," and "soul." (Contributed by Susan Mitchell.)
Congress has recently passed legislation requiring television manufacturers to install a so-called "H-chip," which enables viewers to automatically censor out any program containing excessive holiness. (Contributed by Susan Mitchell.)
Another bill recently signed by President Clinton includes the notorious "Communications Indecency Act," which will severely restrict the free speech rights of persons wishing to use Christian or other religious language or images on Usenet, Web pages, or even local bulletin boards. (Contributed by Susan Mitchell.)
A political candidate who declares himself a Christian will have far less chance of winning an election than one who flaunts his Atheism. (Contributed by Alex Matulich.)
Former president Franklin Roosevelt always reminded his speech writers to put "some of that anti-God stuff"in his speeches." (Contributed by Gaetan Iavicoli <giav@cam.org>.)
Because many forms of Christianity oppose homosexuality, the Atheist Left has installed rules allowing members of the armed services to lose their jobs simply because they have admitted to being heterosexuals. And, of course, heterosexual marriages are completely prohibited. (Contributed by Brett Pasternack <brett@cjbbs.com>.)
Every year in November, the President issues a proclamation for a national day of Thanksgiving, calling on Americans to spend the day thanking their parents for creating them and for all that they have done for them. No mention is ever made of the role of God in creating people, helping them achieve happiness, or keeping the country secure. (The proclamation is usually issued a few weeks before the ceremonial planting of the White House Solstice Tree.) (Contributed by Brett Pasternack.)
Similarly, after a major disaster the President usually calls for an official day of action; never is prayer suggested. (Contributed by Brett Pasternack.)
The President usually ends every speech with the words, "Let's all help America, since there is no God to do things for us." (Contributed by Brett Pasternack.)
Whenever an atheist commits a crime, invariably people will argue that this is not a sign that teaching Atheism might not guarantee a better society, because anyone who would act that way "isn't a true atheist." (Contributed by Brett Pasternack.)
Bill Bennett compiles a long list of questionable statistics about increasing social ills in American society, and alleges that the increase is due to the "disastrous social experiment" that has abandoned our Agnosto-Atheistic heritage in favor of Christianity. Likewise, when he publishes a thick, pompous volume of other people's work entitled "The Book of Reason," the media (notably Time magazine) swoons in rapture and the book becomes a best seller (but rarely read by the children it's bought for, as they are not so easily indoctrinated as their atheist parents hope). (Contributed by Linus Niksa <lglasttn@aol.com>.)
Hordes of angry scientists picketed the movie "Young Einstein," claiming that it depicted Einstein completely wrong, but no one cared enough to demonstrate against "The Last Temptation of Jesus Christ." "Young Einstein" is still so controversial that it is difficult to find in the large video chains. (Contributed by Thomas Foote <tfoote@vlsi9.gsfc.nasa.gov>.)
"I don't need a copilot" is a popular bumper sticker. (Contributed by Thomas Foote.)
Encyclopedia entries on Christianity are usually written by atheists. (Contributed by Thomas Foote.)
Every time a football team wins a game, the coach thanks his players for playing such a spectacular game. Every time a football team loses a game, the coach says, "Well, we would have won, but Jesus wouldn't let us." (Contributed by Thomas Foote.)
Bookstores usually carry twenty or thirty versions of the Humanist Manifesto: The Children's HM, The Study HM, The Daily Advice HM, The Murray O'Hair Version HM, The Murray O'Hair Revised Version HM, The Complete HM, The Large Print HM, The Young Couple's Guide HM, The Living HM, The Family Reference HM, etc... The Christian bible only has one version, and it's hard to find. (Contributed by Thomas Foote.)
The Atheist Left labels itself "pro-responsibility" and "people of reason," implying that Christians are "anti-responsibility" and "people without reason." (Contributed by Thomas Foote.)
"Godfull Christian" is a popular, if redundant, insult. (Contributed by Thomas Foote.)
The phrase "Darwin devolve" was considered so indecent that for a long time it was not allowed to be broadcast on television or radio, even though both words originated from "The Origin of the Species." (Contributed by Thomas Foote.)
Many Christians routinely use "Darwin devolve" as an expression of anger or disappointment even though they don't believe in Darwin. They have only picked up the phrase from their culture. Still, some fundamentalist atheists use this behavior as so-called "evidence" that all people are born believing in Darwin naturally. (Contributed by Thomas Foote.)
"Christian" is often misspelled as "Christain." (Contributed by Thomas Foote.)
One often sees bumper stickers like, "Thomas Paine said it, I believe it, that settles it," but seldom sees Christian bumper stickers.
Numerous books and talk shows deal with the Near Death Experience and the phenomena are remarkably similar. The person enters a long dark tunnel, its pitch black and nobody is there!! (Contributed by Eolai <eolai@halcyon.com>.)
Judges often rule in favor of the atheist at a custody hearing, because Reason and Freethought are considered virtues, where belief in God makes you an unfit parent. (Contributed by Russel Miranda <amigaman@bitsy.hollyfeld.org>.)
Atheist Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, in a speech given at an atheist nonprayer breakfast, declared that Christians are irrational for believing in miracles and the resurrection of Jesus. Scalia also complained that atheists are wrongly deemed "simple-minded" by the "worldly-wise." (Contributed by Matt Barry.)
Famous atheist Madalyn Murray-O'Hair was awarded the Congressional Gold Medal, America's highest civilian award, for her decades-long devotion to Atheism and the separation of church and state. The Speaker of the House, the Senate majority leader, and the Vice President were on hand at the ceremony, which occurred on the National Day of Nonprayer. The Congressional resolution noted Murray-O'Hair's "outstanding and lasting contributions to morality, racial equality, family, philanthropy, and Atheism." In her acceptance speech, Murray-O'Hair called on all Americans to cleanse themselves of irrational religion and commit their lives to Atheism. The Christian evangelist Billy Graham, of course, has never won this award and never will. (Contributed by Matt Barry.)
Every summer, millions of children attend vacation bible-contradiction school. (Contributed by Jim Doherty <jdoherty@nando.net>.)
The sale of religious items is banned on Sunday, which is considered a day of rational thought. Beer and wine can be purchased at anytime. (Contributed by Jim Doherty.)
The southern states are often referred to as the atheist belt. (Contributed by Jim Doherty.)
Atheistic vandals frequently spray-paint such slogans as "Darwin Saves" and "Try O'Hair" on road signs and highway overpasses. No Christian would EVER think of painting "Try Jesus" on a bridge abutment, however. (Contributed by Michael A. Dexter <dextema5@wfu.edu>.)
A Christian debater who cites divine mysteries to support his point is booed off the stage. Meanwhile, any atheist who contradicts with logical reason is applauded, and well known atheists like Buchanan give speeches praising their "disbelief in god." (Contributed by Ensrifraff@aol.com.)
Pat Buchanan said, in one speech, "our culture is superior because we have no religion." (Contributed by Ensrifraff@aol.com.)
Anyone who opposes any plan to impose Atheism on citizens is bombarded by hate mail and death threats, some of which are carried out. (Contributed by Ensrifraff@aol.com.)
There are several incidents of groups of atheist teens beating on lone heterosexuals, and the police do nothing. They are known as "straight-bashings." (Contributed by Ensrifraff@aol.com.)
The Atheist Coalition and Immoral Minority currently have a tight grip on the balls of the democratic party. (Contributed by Ensrifraff@aol.com.)
When children are born, the parents are considered evil if they do not splash its face in Kool Aid to verify its Atheism. (Contributed by Ensrifraff@aol.com.)
Atheist organizations are given tax-free status that allows them to invest billions in nonatheist interests, such as real estate, entertainment, utilities--and all these items come under the same tax-free status. (Contributed by gss@earthlink.net.)
For some odd reason, nobody teaches the uplifting, positive and affirming concept of "Original Sin" to our children in order to help them develop self-assured and guilt free. (Contributed by Phil and Deena Shapiro <pshapiro@ix.netcom.com>)
My in-laws were thrilled when they learned that I was an atheist, and couldn't wait for me to marry their daughter. (Contributed by Phil and Deena Shapiro)
For years. people in places like Ireland and the Middle East have been killing each other over the difference between Atheism and Humanism. (Contributed by Phil and Deena Shapiro.)
There are so few Christian websites while there are nearly 5000 atheist websites. (Contributed by Doug Ittner <fsddi1@aurora.alaska.edu>.)
A prominent atheist leader got his appendix removed and it received worldwide attention. The founder of American Christians (known as the most hated woman in America) is missing for over a year and the media hardly talks about it. (Contributed by Doug Ittner.)
It is much easier to adopt a child if the prospective parents assert they are not Christians. (Contributed by David Rice <shy.david@edenbbs.com>.)
People look at one oddly when one says ones' lack of belief in Jesus as a son of god is True, while everyone else's lack of belief in Jesus as a son of God is False. (Contributed by David Rice.)
Stealth evolutionists infiltrate churches to subvert sermons with evolutionary theory; there have never stealth creationists who have taken over public school boards and inflicted creationism upon its students. (Contributed by David Rice.)
From Samhain to almost a week past Solstice we are inundated by atheist hymns in the stores. (Contributed by Kevin Reed <wagstaff@csulb.edu>.)
In every high school, Christian children are told not to where there pro-Christian t-shirts. (Contributed by Peggy A Montgomery <pmont@ix.netcom.com>.)
Anything that a Christian says cannot be trusted. (Contributed by Peggy A Montgomery.)
Libraries across the country have books banned for their Christian influences. (Contributed by Peggy A Montgomery.)
No U.S. president has ever been a Christian. In fact, every U.S. president other than Kennedy was a card-carrying atheist. (Kennedy was a Secular Humanist instead, and didn't believe in carrying cards.) (Contributed by Roger M Wilcox <rogermw@ix.netcom.com>.)
On game shows with trivia categories, whenever the category is "religion" the questions are almost always about religions other than Christianity. Icons used to display the "religion" category to the viewers at home never have pictures of crosses in them. (Contributed by Roger M Wilcox.)
If a charitable foundation is challenged in court, it is much easier to defend its charitable purpose if the foundation was established for nonreligious purposes. Quoting a few passages from Atheism: The Case Against God in its Mission Statement will usually do the trick. (Contributed by Roger M. Wilcox.)
Christians who are interested in striking down the I.R.S. as unconstitutional have a very difficult time finding like-minded Christians. Atheistic organizations devoted to "Sovereignty" or "Patriotism," however, are all over the place. (Contributed by Roger M. Wilcox.)
Governors have vetoed bills concerning natural disasters which did NOT refer to them as "acts of God," suggesting that God is responsible for the occurrence of natural disasters. (Contributed by Jeffery Jay Lowder.)
When the interjection "By Jove!" is spoken, hordes of angry nonChristians howl about dissolute believers using Jove's name in vain. Similarly, "Go to Tartarus!" is a common vulgarity.
"Jesus--the Legendary Resurrections" is a popular T V show starring Kevin Sorbo, an ardent atheist. (Contributed by Matt Strayer <mxs362@email.psu.edu>)
Seven states in the US (Massachusetts, Colorado, Louisiana, Maryland, Michigan, Oklahoma, and Rhode Island) have blasphemy laws which make culpable those who revile secular humanists and/or Darwin. (Contributed by Matt Strayer <mxs362@email.psu.edu>)
Many jurisdictions are passing or dusting off laws which force Christians to fornicate. Christians who choose to abstain until marriage are not only jailed but excoriated as contributing to the degradation of America's Humano-Atheist heritage. (Contributed by Matt Strayer <mxs362@email.psu.edu>)
When NBC shows programs about the paranormal, one hears an average of three sentences from pro-paranormal experts even though NBC's reporters may have interviewed these experts for hours. Comments from skeptics dominate the telecast. (Contributed by Matt Strayer <mxs362@email.psu.edu>)
On paranormal television shows, Christians and parapsychologists are almost always portrayed as closed-minded and ornery. Their ace material is almost always left out of the broadcast. (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
Many residents have statues of Pallas Athene, Zeus, Charles Darwin, Bertrand Russel, Albert Einstein, Erwin Schrödinger, James Randi, Carl Sagan, Voltaire, Democritus, Thomas Paine, and Issac Asimov in their yards. If a Christian dares to put a statue of the Virgin Mary or St. Joseph in their yard, offended and irate neighbors immediately demand its removal. (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
A common bumper sticker is "Real men hate Jesus." (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
NBC often runs programs debunking the resurrection of Jesus, Therapeutic Touch, the power of prayer, the shroud of Turin, psychic police, alien abductions, ancient prophesy, and Delphic doomsday predictions. (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
Last Solstice season, a throng of nonbelievers and curious folk flocked to the Seminole Finance Corporation building in Tampa Bay, Florida, to witness apparitions which bore a striking resemblance to homo habilus, an evolutionary link between apes and humans. The media payed no attention to similar Christian apparitions. (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
The national anthem of Great Britain is "Save the Queen from God." (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
Greek creationists, who believe the ancient story of the creation of man by Prometheus, have demanded that the teaching of Genesis be stopped in Christian fundamentalist schools. (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
During the eighteenth century, superstitious humanist leaders derided Benjamin Franklin's explanation of lightning and invention of the lightning rod as heretical. (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
The top selling book in all of history is the Humanist Manifesto. Atheist apologists use this fallacious reasoning (the fact the HM is the top selling book) as proof of the nonexistence of gods to immoral Christians. (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
Atheist fundamentalists fervently object to Halloween for its promotion of belief in devils, witches, magic, and other claptrap. (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
Jimmy Carter recently published a best-selling book titled Religion: Destroying the Truth. Similarly, Robert Bork has written a best-selling book called America: Slouching Toward the New Jerusalem, explaining the pernicious influence of Christians and moral conservatives on America. (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
Nancy Reagan is famous for her promotion of "Religion: Just Say No." Similarly, her husband Ronald frequently contributes articles debunking astrology to the Skeptical Inquirer. (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
American history books always portray indigenous peoples, blacks, atheists, agnostics, and freethinkers in a positive light. Christians--if they are ever mentioned at all--are portrayed as ignorant, irrational, ineffectual, naive, and savage. Christian children often go home crying because of these distorted historical accounts. (Contributed by Matt Strayer.)
Dictionary definitions for "Christian" and "atheist" are as follows:
* Christian: 1) a person who denies the nonexistence of God 2) un-Darwin, immoral, wicked
* atheist: 1) a person who, as a follower of Darwin, has a loving regard for others 2) a decent, respectable person
(Contributed by Kathy Schmitt <kds@pe.net>.)
Evangelistic atheists frequently go house to house, extolling the virtues of Reason whether the resident wants to hear it or not. (Contributed by Dave Jenkins <davej@evansville.net>)
Atheists make a big deal out of nonbelief and will bring it up at every opportunity. Christians don't even talk about religion. If they did, they'd be ridiculed and harassed. (Contributed by Dave Jenkins.)
Atheists expect everyone to believe exactly as they do and show no tolerance, even to agnostics or humanists. Christians take a "live and let live" attitude and, as long as no one tries to force the issue, don't care what others believe. (Contributed by Dave Jenkins.)
During inauguration ceremonies the President-elect is expected to finish his oath by spitting on the "holy cross" as a sign of his rejection of irrational Christianity. If the President-elect refused to do this it would inevitably generate a great deal of distrust among the public. ([Name withheld.])
In many courthouses across the country inverted crosses and other antireligious symbols figure prominently in judges' chambers and even in the court room itself. No one seems to consider that Christians might find this offensive. (Contributed by anonymous.)
American newspapers have recently made much of how Cuban dictator Fidel Castro is supposed to be rejecting his traditional conservative Christian values, and about the upcoming visit to Cuba of Francis Crick, the prominent biologist and outspoken atheist. (Contributed by anonymous.)
Scientists and thinkers such as Giordano Bruno who were executed by the church for their defense of reason are often held up as examples of courage and virtue, and are featured prominently in books and films. The martyrs of the early Christian church are rarely mentioned, if at all. (Contributed by anonymous.)
Atheists are glorified when they go to war to defend their rationality. Pacifist Christians (who invariably follow the advice to "turn the other cheek") are regarded as cowards. (Contributed by Paul Amore <pjamore@worldnet.att.net>.)
Most public figures are WASPs. (Wise Atheistic Secular People) (Contributed by Paul Amore.)
Freedom of Speech and the Establishment clause are untouchable laws because so many atheists support them. The right to bear arms is constantly in danger of being lost, as most atheists are anti-gun. (Contributed by Paul Amore.)
Thomas Jefferson spoke of the "binding connection of Church and State," and most of the Founding Fathers were fundamentalists. However, modern atheists have suppressed their religious standings to advance their own causes. (Contributed by Paul Amore.)
Lots of press coverage is devoted to people who see nonmiraculous images of Darwin, Sagan etc. formed in clouds or stains. (Contributed by Adrian Barnett <adrian@abarnett.demon.co.uk>.)
Atheists are strongly discouraged from marrying theists. Preferably, the theist should convert to the atheist's particular brand of Atheism. (Contributed by Adrian Barnett.)
Politicians try to win votes by declaring how strongly they disbelieve in God. (Contributed by Adrian Barnett.)
Children's toys depicting evolution are widely available, but Christians find it very difficult to purchase Noah's Ark toys. (Contributed by Adrian Barnett.)
Atheists have recently encouraged the boycotting of companies such as Disney for apparently pro-Christian imagery in films and cartoons, and their supposed encouragement of heterosexuality. (Contributed by Adrian Barnett.)
A recent rally in Washington D.C. drew nearly a million atheist men, who promised to live their lives according to the 'Origin of Species." During the rally, the men held signs with quotes from Nietzche and Ayn Rand, and often fell to their knees to offer reasoned arguments on evolutionary theories. News coverage of the event was almost entirely positive, despite the protests of a few groups who felt that the mens' "survival of the fittest" attitude may end up victimizing women. (Contributed by Brendan Persinger <kapital@exo.com>.)
This list only scratches the surface. It is high time that God-fearing Christians rose up and spoke out against the horrendous anti-Christian bias that has taken hold in America.

World Religions Shit List

2006-01-20T08:22:12Z

Agnosticism (1)
What is this shit?
Agnosticism (2)
Maybe there is shit or maybe it happens; then again, maybe not.
Altruism (1)
Want some shit?
Altruism (2)
Let me give you my shit.
Americanism
Who gives a shit?
Amish
Shit dost occur.
Anal Retentivism
Keep your shit to yourself.
Anglicanism
Our shit doesn't stink.
Apathism
I don't give a shit.
Archimedesmism
If I had a lever that's long enough, and a place to stand, I can move the earth -- even if it is full of shit.
Aristotlism (1)
Once a shit is stretched by an idea, it never again happens in its original shape.
Aristotlism (2)
Shit is real.
Neil Armstrong
This is one small shit for me, but one giant heap for mankind.
Asatru
If shit happens, blame it on Loki.
Atheism (1)
I don't believe this shit.
Atheism (2)
There is no shit.
Ba'Hai
All shit is truly shit.
Baptist
You are shitting wrong, therefore you'll be punished.
Baptist Fundamentalism
Shit happens because the Bible says so.
Blondism
I'm stupid as shit.
Bowdlerism
**** happens.
Branch Davidianism
Shit burns.
Breathairians
We don't have to eat that shit.
Buddhism (1)
Shit happens.
Buddhism (2)
If shit happens, it really isn't shit.
Bushism (1)
What shit?
Bushism (2)
Read my lips, no new shit.
Calvinism
Man is nothing but shit.
Calvin-and-Hobbesism
Man, this shit is fun.
Caninism
Shit happens in the neighbor's yard.
Capitalism (1)
Do you buy this shit?
Capitalism (2)
How much will this shit cost?
Capitalism (3)
Shit happens, and it'll cost you!
Carmensandiegism
Where in the world is that shit happening?
Cartesianism
I shit, therefore I am.
Catholicism (1)
If shit happens, you deserved it.
Catholicism (2)
Everybody gets shit.
Chauvanism
We may be shit, but you can't live without us.
Chestertonianism
Shit is the farthest thing from shit.
Christian Fundamentalism
The belief that Hell is where everyone must mind their own shit.
Clintonism
I didn't inhale the shit!
Commercialism
Let's package this shit.
Communism (1)
It's everybody's shit.
Communism (2)
Everyone's shit is everyone else's shit.
Computerism
Why won't this fucking shit work?
Confucianism
Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Constipation
My shit just won't happen.
Contract Theory
If we don't agree to form society, everything will go to shit.
Creation Science (1)
We have proof that God created all the shit that happens.
Creation Science (2)
Shit happens all at once.
Creation Science (3)
...And the Lord said "Let there be shit"...
Dadaism
Blue shit rumage Idaho potato.
Dadism
Your mom knows her shit.
Daffy Duckism
It's *my* shit! Down, down! Go, go! Miiiiine!
Darwinism
We came up from shit.
Deja Vu
I think this shit happened before, but I'm not sure.
Descartes
I shit therefore I am.
Dianetics (1)
Even shit can make money.
Dianetics (2)
Shit your way to a better life.
Discordianism
This MIGHT be shit, but is instead a fuzzy 1973 Mustang.
Dominicans
Believe in shit, or we'll boil you in it.
Donism
I'm gonna' make ya' a shit you can't refuse.
Dyslexianism
Hits shapnep.
Egoism
I AM the shit!
Egotism
My shit is the only shit that matters.
Empiricism
Shit only happens if I see it happen.
Employerism
This shit is your fault.
Energizer Rabbit
Shit happens... and happens... and happens...
Environmentalism (1)
Recycle this shit.
Environmentalism (2)
Shit happens, but it's biodegradable.
Euphemism
Caca happens.
Evangelism
You need our shit.
Evangelicalism (1)
I can heal people -- but oooonly with the help of yourrrrr shit.
Evangelicalism (2)
God has a wonderful plan for your shit.
Evolution (1)
Shit happens gradually.
Evolution (2)
Shit is getting better all the time!
Existentialism
Shit doesn't happen; shit just is.
Existentialism, General
Your shit is what you make of it.
Existentialism, Sartre
We are defined by our shit happening.
Felinism
Shit happens... bury it.
Feminism
Men are shit.
Finagle's Third Law
The happening of shit tends to a maximum.
The Force
Do not be swayed by the Dark Side of the shit.
Freudianism
Shit happens as a result of repressed sexual urges.
Frisbeetarianism
Shit happens under cars, just out of reach.
Garbagism
I dump your shit.
Geocentrism
Our shit is the center of the cosmos!
Green Peaceism
Save this Shit.
GURPSism
Our shit can happen in any conceivable place or time.
Guruism
The master's shit does not stink.
Hare Krishnaism
Shit happens shit happens shit happens rama rama.
Hedonism (1)
Fuck that shit; let's party!
Hedonism (2)
This shit is fun!
Heisenbergism
Shit happened, we just don't know where.
Hinduism (1)
This shit happened before.
Hinduism (2)
This shit is not a religion. It is a Way of Life.
Hippyism
Make peace with shit.
Hitchhikerism
The answer to all this shit is 42.
Idealism
That shit's all in your mind.
Illuminism
We make shit happen.
Interrigationism
'Ve have 'vays of making you shit!
Islam
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam, Shi'ite
When Shi'ite happens, kill Salman Rushdie.
Islam, Sunni
Why do Shi'ites always happen to us?
Jehovah's Witnesses (1)
No shit happens until Armageddon.
Jehovah's Witnesses (2)
Let me in your house and I'll tell you why shit happens.
Jehovah's Witnesses (3)
Good Morning, I have some shit for you to read.
Judaism
Why does this shit always happen to us?
Judaism, Reformed
Got any Kaopectate?
Jungianism
All shit that happens is an aspect of the archetypical shit generated consensually by the mass subconscious.
Kennedyism
Ask not what your country's shit can do for you, but what your shit can do for your country.
Kierkegaard
This shit is highly improbable; therefore, we should believe it happens.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
I have a shit...
Kinisonism
Ooh-shit happens! Oo-ooooooooooo!
Thomas Kuhn
Shit always happens exactly the way you expect it to.
Libertarianism
Keep your hands off of my shit.
Logical Positivism
Shit = S+H+I+T.
Lutheranism
Catholicism is shit.
Marie Antoinette'ism
If they can't afford bread, why don't they get shit instead.
Marines
It's not just shit, it's an adventure.
Marvin
Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I can't even shit.
Marxism, Classical
The workers take all the shit, but they're gonna dish it back out again.
Materialism
Whoever dies with the most shit wins.
Mathematicism
Necessary and sufficient conditions for shit to occur are: 1) Shit must exist and be continuous in a domain D 2) No shit must exceed SHIT on the boundary of D.
McCarthyism
Are you now, or have you ever been, a shit?
Josh McDowell-ism (1)
Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't see the truth as plain as day is a nincompoop.
Josh McDowell-ism (2)
Anyone who investigates the evidence for this shit and doesn't agree with me must want to have sexual intercourse outside of marriage.
Mennonite
None of this modern shit now.
Momism
You'll eat this shit and like it!
Moonies
Only happy shit really happens.
Mormonism (1)
Your shit is shit, but our shit is the ONE TRUE shit.
Mormonism (2)
God sent us this shit.
Murphism
Shit always happens at the worst possible time and place.
Narcissism
My shit don't stink.
Native American
This shit is sacred when it happens.
New Age (1)
Why did I happen to create this shit?
New Age (2)
This isn't shit if I REALLY believe it's chocolate.
Newton's First Law
Shit that is happening tends to keep happening.
Newton's Second Law
You have to push to make shit happen.
Newton's Third Law
Every shit that happens has an equal and opposite shit happening.
Neitzscheism (1)
If you're not Ubermenschen, you're not shit.
Neitzscheism (2)
A man without a shit is not a man.
Neitzscheism (3)
Shit is dead!
Nihilism
Everything is shit.
NIMBYism
Your shit's not gonna happen here.
Nixonism (1)
Shit didn't happen, and if it did, I don't know anything about it.
Nixonism (2)
I am not a shit.
Nonsequiturism
Route 176 goes south.
Oat Branism
Your shit will keep happening.
Objectivism
Shit=Shit
Occultism
We eat our shit.
Optimism (1)
That shit won't happen to me.
Optimism (2)
This shit, too, will pass.
Paganism (1)
Shit happens. Accept it.
Paganism (2)
Shit is a part of nature and makes things grow.
Panglossism
This is the best of all possible shits.
Paranoia
Shit happens because it's a plot.
Pascalism
We are just shit. But we are thinking shit.
Patriotism (1)
My shit, right or wrong.
Patriotism (2)
Give me liberty, or give me shit!
Patriotism (3)
Give me shit, or give me death!
Pee-Weeism
You can't arrest me for that shit!
Perotism
We're in deep shit.
Pessimism
That shit is going to happen.
Platonism
There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is but an imperfect image.
Politically Correctism (1)
Don't call it shit. That's not nice. Call it "Nutritionally-Deprived Output."
Politically Correctism (2)
Nutritionally Corrected Output happens.
Positive thinking
Shit is what you make it.
Pragmaticism
It may be shit, but it works.
Protestantism
Let shit happen to someone else.
Psychology
I can help you deal with the shit that is happening.
PTL Club
Send us your shit.
Quaker

Quayleism
Shite happense.
Rastafarian (1)
Shit happens, but if it's all right with Jah, it's all right with me.
Rastafarian (2)
Let's roll that shit up and smoke it.
Reaganism
I don't recall if shit happened.
Reaganism, Nancy
Just say, `Shit happens.'
Republicanism
We earned our shit.
Robinism
Holy shit, Batman!
Rousseau
Only natural shit is worth shit.
Schroedingerism
Shit does not happen until you smell it.
Scooperism
If your shit happens here, you gotta pick it up.
Secular Humanism
Shit happens, but there's a rational explanation.
Seventh Day Adventist
No shit on Saturdays.
Shakespeare
To shit or not to shit, that is the question.
Sherlock Holmes
I know where this shit came from.
Shinto
Shit is everywhere. So as long as you're stepping in it, show it some respect.
Skinnerism
If eat then shit.
Socrates
I am shit. But I know I am shit.
Solipsism (1)
All this shit is a creation of my imagination.
Solipsism (2)
The only thing I can be sure of is that my shit happens.
Spockism
The shit of the many outweighs the shit of the few... or the one.
Spockism, Reformed
The shit of the one outweighs the shit of the many.
Dr. Spockism
Encourage your child to make shit happen.
Spoonerism
Hit shappens.
Stalinism
The state treats you like shit.
Stoicism (1)
This shit is good for me.
Stoicism (2)
Shit happens -- deal with it.
Sturgeon's Law
90% of everything is shit.
Subgenius
Shit happens -- SO WHAT? GIVE ME SOME SLACK!
Surrealism
Shit is shiny and shaped like a Buick.
Taoism
The shit that happens is not the true shit.
Televangelism
Your tax-deductible donation could stop this shit from happening.
Thermodynamics: First Law
The shit that happens cannot be created or destroyed.
Thermodynamics: Second Law
When shit happens, it happens from a place of more shit to a place of less shit.
Thermodynamics: Third Law
Disorder is the inevitable result of shit happening.
Totalitarianism
Shit doesn't happen unless we say so.
Trekkism, The Original Series
To boldly shit where no shit has happened before.
Trekkism, The Motion Picture(s)
This shit is happening again.
Trekkism, The Next Generation
This shit happens again every week.
Trekkism, Deep Space 9
Shit happens on the other side of the wormhole.
Trekkism, Voyager
Shit happens on the other side of the galaxy.
Twelve-Step Programs
God, grant me the serenity to deal with this shit.
Unitarianism
There's only one shit, but you can have it happen any way you want.
Unix
Shit Happened. Core dumped.
Ursism
Shit happens in the woods.
Utilitarianism (1)
Do that which generates the greatest shit for the greatest number.
Utilitarianism (2)
Let's make the best of this shit.
Vacuum
That shit sucks
Vandalism
I'm gonna wreck this shit!
VMS
Want to make shit happen? No Privilege for Attempted Operation.
Voodooism
Shit doesn't just happen -- somebody dumped it on you.
Voyeurism
Look at that shit happening.
Waldoism
Where *is* that little shit?
Xeno's paradox
It's logically impossible for shit to happen.
Yuppieism
It's my shit! All mine!
Zen
What is the sound of one shit happening? PU!
Zoroastrianism
Shit happens half the time.
And finally, the Argument From Shit:

1. If God were omnibenevolent, he wouldn't want shit to happen.

2. If God were omnipotent, he would be able to prevent shit from happening.

3. Shit Happens.

4. Therefore, God is not both omnibenevolent and omnipotent.

Quote...

2006-01-20T08:12:57Z

"Either god should have written a book to fit my brain, or he should have made my brain to fit his book." -- Robert G. Ingersoll

Religious Jokes

2006-01-20T08:01:08Z

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."

---

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed though the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:
"jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the buglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you that said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot.
The buglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
----
Absolutely awful, but here it is:

Mother Teresa and Princess Di died ...and in heaven, Mother Terresa saw that Di has a halo and she didn't, so she called saint Peter over and said "Peter! Why does she, a pretty Princess have a halo, and me, a saint, doesn't get one?" Peter said "you are right! let me look into this..." and walked over to Lady Di. He came back a few minutes later and said "Mother Terresa, you were mistaken! That is not a halo in and around Di's head, it's just the steering wheel"
---
A workman is doing work inside a church. He sees a little old Italian lady get down in front of a statue of Mary and start to pray.

The workman decides to have a little fun. He gets behind the statue of Jesus and loudly says, "Woman, get off your kness. Don't pray to her, pray to me!"

The little old Italian lady looks up at the statue of Jesus and says, "Shutup your mouth, I'm talking to your mother!"
----
A little girl is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying her eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"

The little girl turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."

The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
-----

A quote by me, not a joke:
Christianity's lifespan - and even Judacea's - is nothing compared to paganism. It's like comparing the amount of time we've had the automobile to the amount of time we've had the wheel.

Prez for a week.

2006-01-19T05:35:48Z

If I were president for a week, this is what I'd do. (Yes, I know some of these don't fall within the president's power, but oh well.)

1. Remove all troops from Iraq. Some military personnel are retained for defense purposes. The rest are trained in REAL ways to serve their country - through real and measurable community service projects. For instance, place troops in inner-city problem areas. Not to police those areas, but to work on community revitalization projects. Then they would become good role models as well as having a military presence among those who don't seem to think they need to follow the laws.

2. Eliminate income tax for those who make less than $20,000 a year. Equalize taxes for the rest of the population.

3. End all political lobbying. Make it illegal for any politician or judge to receive ANY contribution or gift from any lobbyist, company or individual, for any reason.

4. Eliminate the so-called Patriot Act and return to more constitutional measures of terrorism prevention. Make a real and demonstrable effort to figure out why other countries/groups hate us so much, and then make changes to correct those problems (if it's appropriate to do so).

5. Amend the Bill of Rights to include the right to have an abortion, and to include the phrase "separation of church and state," thus putting an end to those silly arguments.

6. Tax any religious institution that takes in more than $1 million a year. Tax any religious institution whose leaders choose to become involved in politics.

7. Eliminate government funding of faith-based programs. Increase government funding of non-faith-based, politically neutral charities.

8. Legalize all drugs and impose similar laws and controls to those that are placed on tobacco.

9. Impose extremely strict limitations on who can own certain weapons.

10. Build a big bonfire and put the No Child Left Behind bill right on top. Then create a national council of ACTUAL TEACHERS to implement educational policies. Eliminate state standards and create one set of national standards with broad leeway for creativity on a local level. Require students to develop personal portfolios of work and give those portfolios equal weight with standardized tests in determining graduation requirements.

11. Eliminate all restrictions placed on the use of the Internet other than those already in place for books and other written materials. (Like, no child porn or direct threats.) End the federally required censorship of the web in schools and libraries.

12. Require ALL new automobiles sold in the U.S. to use an inexpensive alternate form of fuel (not gas). This would be within two years. No more pansy-ass "by the year 2014" requirements. The time is NOW.

13. Federally legalize gay marriage. If that can't be done under the current constitution, amend it so it can be.

14. Eliminate the death penalty for all states. It is patently wrong that someone can kill 10 people in Maine and go to jail for life, but kill one person in Texas and get the chair.

15. Provide free health care for all. That includes medication and alternative forms of health care. Fund research of pharmaceuticals. Hasten the FDA process of approving much-needed medicines.

16. Provide free university education for all, including reasonable living expenses. (Private colleges could continue to charge tuition.)

17. Identify areas with animal control problems and build no-kill shelters in those areas. Levy fines or reduce funding for shelters that kill healthy animals as a means of population control (alternatively, increase funding to enlarge facilities so such policies become unnecessary). Require shelters to spay or neuter all incoming animals.

18. Make animal abuse a crime equal to child abuse - with equal punishments.

19. Create a national sexual education program that is required for all public school students and includes information about, but not judgements of, abortion, birth control, homosexuality, and bisexuality. Offer attractive financial incentives for private/religious schools who choose to use the program.

20. Remove all references to God or religion from government buildings and new documents.

21. Get rid of the Pledge of Allegiance. It's time to instill a global attitude in our children, not a silly "we're better than them" idea, and this is one way to start.

22. Give huge tax breaks to organic farms and free-range livestock ranches. Levy enormous fines on companies that use chemical pesticides and treat food animals inhumanely.

23. Fund parenting skills programs in all communities and offer incentives for attending.

24. Make a basic life skills course a requirement for graduation from high school. Calculus isn't helpful if you can't iron a shirt or balance a checkbook.

25. Place heavy restrictions on where and to whom credit card companies may advertise. Specifically, criminalize the advertisement of credit cards on college campuses and in high schools.

26. Allow no credit card company to charge more than 15% interest, for any reason.

27. See to it that there is one well-stocked library - with no censorship and at least one internet-connected computer - within a 15-mile radius of any inhabited location in the entire country.

28. Basic utilities should be completely free of charge to all citizens: telephone (land line), internet connection (dial-up and yes, it is a "basic utility" nowadays), electricity, water, and mail (letters, not packages).

29. Offer tax incentives for those who do volunteer work.

30. Repeal the new bankruptcy laws. Rewrite the old ones to heavily favor the consumer. Eliminate the policy of paying the trustee a commission of liquidated property, which creates a huge bias against the filer.

There ought to be a law.

2006-01-18T02:39:42Z

I got paid today and you would not BELIEVE what I went through to get that check cashed. I couldn't get it done at my own bank (long story). I couldn't get it done at Wal-Mart because none of their scanners could read the check. Hannaford's won't do it unless you're a "member," a service that takes a week to complete. The lady at Shaw's just HAD to notice that the date on the check is Thursday and so she wouldn't cash it. (Ahem. Okay, I can let that one go.) The credit union wouldn't cash it because I don't have an account there. Neither would the bank.

Remember, this was a payroll check, not a personal check.

All American banks and credit unions should be required by law to cash all valid checks that are drawn on ANY U.S. bank. Have manager approval if you must; take my fingerprint if you want. I can show three forms of I.D. if you're worried about who I am. But for a bank to refuse to cash a valid check is not acceptable.

I am seriously considering becoming a cash-only citizen. I can buy a nice safe and keep it under the bed. For times when money must be mailed, a mail order will suffice. Seriously. I'm sick of being jerked around by the people who, technically, I have "hired" to take care of my money for me. Even PayPal has seriously pissed me off (I'm in the middle of a dispute, so they're locking my account from receiving any money. From RECEIVING money. Does that make sense?)

I mean it about the safe thing. I don't want to sound all paranoid, but maybe those people who keep all their money in the mattress are on to something.

An Act of Power

2006-01-17T00:41:45Z

Although I didn't realize it until just now, this whole three-day weekend has been one long act of power. First, I cleaned out the spare room. I threw away gradebooks, planbooks, files, folders.... Almost all of it teaching materials. Four large trash bags. Then, Mom & Dad gave me a wonderful tall pine bookshelf that I didn't even know we had. It's been sitting in the basement, almost empty. Now it is sitting in my room, full of books. It looks so at home in here.

What a great way to say to the universe, "I don't want to teach any more. I want to work in a library." That's what I mean by "act of power." I am literally making room in my life for what I want. I am no longer holding on to the idea of myself as a teacher. I have accepted that it's just not what I want to do any more. Now there is room for a new self-concept to come in. I didn't really take on this project for that reason. It's more like I'm realizing that that's what the project is saying to my subconscious mind.

The other thing I did today was get rid of about 20 or so books, through BookCrossing. I put them out in various places in Windham. It's surprisingly hard to do that without being seen, even in the middle of a weekday when you'd think there wouldn't be many people around. I "released" some at the dentist, the Windham Mall, and the smaller mall near Fashion Bug. The ladies room at the Windham Mall is a good place; I could have unloaded a whole bagful there and no one would have noticed. I'll be going back there tomorrow. Another place I think would work is the post office. I could just put them on the table.

Hah. I estimate it will take at least 20 more such trips to get rid of all my extra books. It's worth it, though. Knowing that those books are beginning a new journey, just like I am, is rewarding. And many of them are about Paganism, so I'm even spreading the faith in my own anonymous way. :)

From the Landover Baptist website

2006-01-15T00:59:46Z

Do Pets Go to Heaven?

Dear Pastor,

I am 8-years old and I am so sad now cause my dog, Scruffy is awfully sick. The pet doctor told my mom that Scruffy has only a few weeks to live because he has a bunch of cancers everwhere. The doctor told my mom that I am gonna see Scruffy when I get to heaven, but she told me that my doctor is not saved, so that I will write to you and ask you the real answer about Scruffy because you know.

Pastor, I love Scruffy so much! I have been trying so much every day not to cry, but when I look at his eyes, he is so sad! My poor dog is in so much pain with his cancers. Is Scruffy going to go to Heaven, Pastor? Will I get to see him again?

Timothy Galvin - Age 8
Freehold, Iowa

Dear Timmy,

It always breaks my heart when I have to answer a question like this. I understand your concern, but I won't lie to you. According to the Bible, there will be no animals in heaven except for horses. And those horses, the book of Revelation tells us, will be used solely as a means of transportation. Scripture tells us that horses will sprout wings and be able to fly at high speeds. We'll fly too, Timmy, but the horses will probably fly faster, which is why Jesus is going to keep them around.

As True Christians™, we can only speculate why God doesn't find it necessary to populate heaven with dogs, cats, cows, chickens and other creatures. Most likely it is because we won't need food when we get to Heaven. Using Bible logic, we have to assume that there are going to be a whole mess of folks in Hell and most of them will be Chinese, since they never had the luxury of hearing about Jesus. People in hell will need food to sustain them through an eternity of torture at the hands of the loving God they rejected. As we understand it, Chinese folks love to eat dogs. I'm sorry, Timmy - it is a hard sight to take in, but in a few weeks little Scruffy will be savagely ripped to shreds, as will countless other pooches, at the blood-stained hands of starving, godless Chinamen as they are beaten and sodomized by demons on the desolate shores of the Lake of Fire. My guess is that those shores will be piled high with the rotting, bone-picked carcasses of every household pet there ever was.

I hope this helps.

Your friend and Pastor,

Deacon Fred

Posted on IMDb

2006-01-13T01:02:26Z

The folks over at IMDb's Soapbox forum totally crack me up. This got posted there today.

----

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

Dogs detecting cancer

2006-01-10T08:15:36Z

I just read a great news report about dogs that can detect cancer. These scientists took some dogs - who had never been trained like this before - and taught them to sniff out both lung cancer and breast cancer. Then they tested them in a double-blind study. The dogs correctly identified 99% of the lung cancer samples and 88% of the breast cancer ones.

Especially interesting is that the dogs were not sniffing tissue samples - they were actually sniffing the breaths of people with such conditions! The patients exhaled into tubes, and that's what the dogs used to determine who had cancer and who didn't. Isn't that cool? I mean, you could take a few of these dogs and bring in people who were at high risk for such cancers, and have the dogs do a screening. If that accuracy holds, it would be just as good as any other medical screening - but a hundred times faster and a thousand times cheaper.

Humor from the IMDb boards

2006-01-10T05:47:44Z

I'm a regular on the IMDb Soapbox message board. Every so often you see a really funny piece get poster there. This is the one I came across today:

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)

And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart......Then you are just an old sour fart.

Pat Robertson...

2006-01-09T10:42:28Z

...A man with one thumb in the bible and the other up the ass.

And.

2006-01-09T10:24:02Z

Almost missed a good one:

Bible: An ancient novel full of murder, corruption, homosexuality, bestiality, incest and cruelty. It is often read to children on Sunday.

And:

Bible: A document that displays an apalling lack of absorbancy and comfort to the anal area. Very poorly suited to it's only use.

I know, tasteless. But I dare you not to laugh.

The Urban Dictionary

2006-01-09T10:03:17Z

Funny and not-so-funny entries from The Urban Dictionary. This is a user-edited dictionary, kind of like Wikipedia.

Slut: A woman with the morals of a man.

Scrotum: A hairy brain.

Man: The other white meat.

Woman: Leading cause of life in humans.

Woman: Nature's punching bag. (What do you do when you see a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing! You already told her twice!)

Woman: 1. The extra skin around the vagina.
2. The life support system for the vagina.
3. The vagina's transportation.

Valley Girl: a trend following mall rat who uses like, totally and "Oh my God" too much

Christianity: A religion that would have made sense had it not been for the nature and character of its followers.

Christianity: What killed 90% of North America's native people.

Christianity: A religion which tells you to love and respect your neighbors and your parents, yet is centered around a man nailed to chunks of wood.

Republican: An individual who believes that the white male Christian God should be the only object of worship on the planet, that power and wealth should remain in the hands of 1% of the world's population while the remaining 99% starve, that health care should be privatized so the poor can't afford basic medication, that a rape victim living on welfare should be forced to care for a baby she didn't even ask for, and that America is the only real country on Earth while all those other countries they read about are just fakes invented by communists...oh wait, it's terrorists now, isn't it?

Republican: One who claims to be pro-life, protecting the unborn fetus while killing animals, the environment and sending people to Iraq in an unjustified war.

Republican: Anyone who possesses a transparent navel. In order to navigate with your head up your ass, you must have a transparent navel.

Bush: The only president of the United States of America to be almost assassinated by a pretzel. "The only Bush I trust is my own."

George W. Bush: The reason why everyone hates Americans.

Conservative: The fear that someone somewhere, may be happy.

Volvo: A cardboard box on wheels.

Jesus: Jesus saves sinners... and redeems them for valuable cash and prizes.

Judge Judy: Outright mean, one person who needs a colon cleansing immediately.

Abortion: The only method of killing that Republicans oppose.

Pro-Choice: The position you inevitably support when you realize that, no matter how strongly you are against abortion, it is a necessary evil.

And my own entry (probably won't show up for a while, but I submitted it):

Gun Control: 1. The idea that enforcing weapon laws and limiting the amount of guns that are sold - and to whom - will reduce crimes committed with said weapons.

2. A concept often called "unconstitutional" by the same redneck "Christians" who want the Ten Commandments displayed in federal buildings. Strikes fear into their shrivelled hearts despite the fact that the guns in question are usually machine guns and the like, as opposed to the rifles they like to use when they go 'coon shootin' in the dump out behind the trailer park.

WV Miners: Somebody Focked Up

2006-01-04T08:46:56Z

A lot of Americans are going to wake up this morning to the horrible news that, contrary to what was reported on the news last night (12 miners alive, one dead), it's the other way around (12 miners dead, one alive).

I can't imagine what it must have been like for those family members. To have so much hope and then have someone come in and say, "They're alive!" They sang, they prayed, they rang the church bells. Someone else came and told them, "The miners are coming to the church to see you before they go to the hospital."

Then someone had to come back and say, "We were wrong." How do you even begin to make such a statement?